Waiting for my C-section was like waiting for Christmas Day. You know when you were a kid, and all the excitement just kept building up, and you couldn’t sleep the night before, and you woke up every hour? Same thing! I think it would be so much harder to wait for labor to begin naturally because you just wait and wait until it happens. Instead with a C-section there was a day and time and I knew exactly when it was all going to be happening.
They had me get to the hospital at 7am, I thought that this meant I would be admitted, rolled into the operating room and boom, baby is here! Yeah, no. I was never told when I would actually be getting the C-section done. When I arrived I asked them if they were going to take me back and they said, “We will get to you when we get to you”.
There were about 6 of us waiting to get a C-section and I was the first to arrive, and the last one to be called to the operating room. We weren’t allowed to eat anything and we basically just had to sit in recliners (at least the seats were comfortable!)for hours until our name was called. We also weren’t allowed to have our spouses or partners in the waiting room with us. Lorenzo had to wait on the street outside the hospital until they called my name, then I was allowed to call him in and have him meet me in the hallway. Again I get all of the precautions were from Covid, but it was so incredibly difficult having to the majority of things all on my own. I wanted to share every moment with Lorenzo and I wasn’t able to do that.
I wasn’t called until around 4pm. Lorenzo met me in the hall, and then honestly, everything was a whirlwind. It was like it all happened in fast forward. We were ushered into a room, where they explained what would happen in the C-section, any sensations I might feel, etc. Again, I was told Lorenzo wasn’t allowed to come into the room with me until they had already made the incision. I was terrified. Lorenzo is my rock. That is exactly the moment I would probably need him the most. I had never had any surgery. I hate needles and they were going to put a needle, a big needle, in my spine! I was shaking so hard and honestly just wanted to cry because I was so scared and overwhelmed. I wasn’t allowed to have him there with me and I needed him. I felt such a huge wave of desperation and mentally didn’t know how to handle it. I definitely disassociated to help me get through it.
I remember being taken into the room while Lorenzo waited in a tiny office across the hall. I remember nurses preparing things and walking around the room, they didn’t talk to me, but were laughing and joking with each other. It was like they didn’t even notice me. I nodded when the anesthesiologist spoke to me, moved me where he wanted me, and did what he asked as if I was a robot. I just did it. I had no time to think. I didn’t want to think. I just wanted Lorenzo in there with me and I knew that the sooner they did whatever they needed to do, the sooner Lorenzo would be allowed back in the room.
I wanted them to coddle me. To see that this was my first child and that I was scared and nervous. To help me stay present. But they’re nurses, this is something they do everyday, probably multiple times a day. It is routine. It is muscle memory. It’s habit for them. But for me it was all completely new. I wish they would’ve slowed down, explained things, asked how I was doing. Taken the time to give me a little bit of extra love and care. Instead I was told what they were doing as they were doing it. I had no time to listen, digest, and understand what was going to happen. I was there, but I also wasn’t.
One thing I vividly remember and will never forget is that there was one nurse who had me hold onto her shoulders, while they did my spinal block. She held on to my arms and told me how brave I was and how I was doing so good and that it was almost over. I honestly don’t remember the shot hurting, or the spinal block. I remember it taking forever and feeling pressure and just wanting to lay down because it was so overwhelming. I remember hearing her tell me to stop shaking my head, but I didn’t even know I was shaking it. Then she was gone and I don’t remember seeing her again.
When my spinal block was done, they laid me down and would spray water from my neck down to my belly? I honestly don’t remember where they sprayed, because the spinal block worked so fast. I remember feeling the cold water on my neck, chest and between my breasts the first couple times he sprayed me. I was told that with a spinal block you want to be numb from your nipples down. So when he sprayed me and I could only feel it on my neck and chest we were good to go!
I feel like everything after this happened in flashes. I remember my body being jostled around and the anesthesiologist talking to me. I don’t remember about what though. I remember them telling me Lorenzo was finally able to come in, and as I watched him walk through the doors I burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying. I remember being filled with relief that he was finally back with me, and I remember telling him I loved him and that I was so scared. I kept repeating it. I remember we held hands, and I was so cold my teeth were chattering. Then the anesthesiologist asked if we were ready, there was lots of noise and movement. I felt like I was on a padded version of the Wild Mouse Roller Coaster at Lagoon, and then I remember seeing the most beautiful, squishy, purple pink, blob lifted over the sheet covering my body. She looked like she had been sent straight down from heaven, haloed in the lights above me. I saw her for 5 seconds before she was whisked away.
My perfect little Giorgia Rose, she wasn’t crying. Then I remember panicking. She wasn’t crying. Why wasn’t she making any sound? I couldn’t see her anymore. Where was she? Was she okay? I remember asking Lorenzo what was going on. Why was she not crying? Could he see her? Was everything okay?… He tried to stand up to look to where she was and the anesthesiologist pushed him back into his seat so he wouldn’t see me undergoing surgery. But then we heard the loudest, shrillest cry from across the room. All the nurses laughed and couldn’t help commenting on how strong her lungs were to deliver a screech like that! They took my phone and got a bunch of pics of her while they were weighing her and wiping her down, and then they were able to lay her on my chest. I remember being frustrated that I couldn’t see her face, she was nuzzled up under my chin and I was so scared she was going to fall off since I was so tired and weak and couldn’t move my arms to hold her.
We were able to stay with her for about 20 minutes until they told me that Lorenzo and Giorgia had to leave. They couldn’t be in the room while I was being stitched up. I was so tired and medicated by this point it’s all a blur. I know Lorenzo left, and he had her in his arms. I was told I would meet them in the maternity ward, and then I think I fell asleep. I remember hearing a vacuum, and feeling them transfer me onto a bed, and then suddenly I was entering a room filled with beds and blue curtains. I saw Lorenzo sitting on a chair holding her. and they wheeled me into a curtained off section of the room next to them.
I was able to breastfeed, but I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I told Lorenzo to make sure I didn’t accidentally suffocate her as I tried to feed her because I couldn’t keep my eyes open and kept falling asleep. Luckily the spinal block started to fade, I wasn’t as tired, and slowly I started to gain feeling back in my legs. I think that was the most disturbing feeling. Being told to move my legs and trying so hard to point my toes only for them not to listen. I waited in that room until I was able to move my legs and then we were brought into the public maternity ward.
It’s funny that I was able to write so much about my pregnancy and not my birthing experience, but I guess it makes sense since one happened for 9 months, and the other was only about 30 minutes or so. I wish I could have slowed down every moment in that operating room. I wish I could relive it again and again (especially now that I feel like I know what to expect). Giorgia was my prize after completing the most difficult 9 months of my life. She was worth every moment of discomfort, and sickness, and pain. I always tell her that she is my sunshine girl, because she brings light and love where ever she goes. I love being her mom. I love watching her grow and learn. I love watching her curiosity flourish, and her fearlessness. She is everything that I needed and more.
If you are ever told that you need a c-section, please don’t feel like your body failed you. I had a really hard time being upset at my body for not letting me birth my daughter vaginally. I felt like my body failed me and her. I read so many comments on social media about how mothers who get elective c-sections and epidurals are “awful” because they’re drugging their babies or how a c-section isn’t a “real” birthing experience. They can all go to Hell for all I care. My body did not fail me or my daughter. My body still birthed my child. My birthing experience will not be degraded or shamed because it didn’t meet the standards of strangers on the internet. However you choose or need to birth your child, it is beautiful and sacred. You will not convince me otherwise.
